The Lightning Rant – The 2012 New Year Edition

So Fox is putting on yet another uninspired animated show on Sunday night. The latest cannon fodder is Napoleon Dynamite. Does anybody else think that maybe this would have been a better idea about seven years ago?

Does making a cartoon out of a minor cult hit from nearly 10 years ago stink of desperation? Heck yes! God!

I think the only people celebrating New Year’s Eve are people looking for a reason to drink and party and people that are desperately trying to run away from 2011. Sometimes those are the same people, and if you find yourself at a bar with them on New Year’s Eve and you see them crying, you need to call a cab and get the hell out of there. Something is going to blow.

I defy anybody to watch the teaser for Touch, the new Keifer Sutherland series, and tell me they didn’t think it was a preview for the new season of 24. And that’s not a good thing.

President Obama signed a defense bill into law but made sure to let everyone know he has “serious reservations” about elements of it. What the hell am I supposed to make of that? Is he saying he doesn’t want to fight it or that he doesn’t think he can fight it? My theory is he’s doing this as a way of signaling to Republicans that they need to pass some of the crap that they don’t like as a way of reciprocating. That school of thought hasn’t worked well so far and has made Obama supporters see him as weak.

This is just a guess because I don’t play any fantasy sports, but I bet if you ask someone how much time they spend each week on their fantasy team they’ll give you an answer that’s roughly 60% of reality. Kind of like asking someone how much money they lost in Vegas. I always like the answer that begins “Well I was up about $200 at one point.”

I’m not a fan of women getting sleeved-off arm tattoos, and I don’t think under any circumstances a tattoo on the breast is a good idea. That extends to the area up to the collarbone. Ladies, that’s where guys are already looking anyway, putting ink there is like painting flames on a Ferrari. You aren’t drawing any more attention to it, and you are likely ruining a work of art. If you’ve let yourself go, it’s like painting flames on a Datsun B210. Just sad.

I like the fact that in football you can completely screw up and just clap your hands together as if to say, “Darn, I really messed that up. I’m really upset with myself.” Then those guys move on like nothing happened. I’m going to try that at work this week and see if everybody gives me a mulligan.

Never underestimate what a child may hold precious. I took my daughter ice skating three days ago, and she still hasn’t taken off the admission bracelet they put on her.

I’ve heard people say “Live every day like it’s your last.” I don’t think I could do that. After day six of that, I’d be broke, in a food coma and my wife would mace me if I tried to go near her.


Maybe we should live every day like it’s Christmas, and we just got a Nintendo 64.

Remember that there are always those who have less than you and make less than you. Now ask yourself if you would like your taxes raised to help those folks out. More than likely you’re saying “I would love to, but I can’t afford it; tax the rich.” Then ask yourself what your definition of rich is. If you successfully raise taxes on those folks and it’s still not enough, you are either going to have to chip in or lower your definition of what “rich” is. I’ve got a pretty good idea which way you’ll go on that.

If in that earlier example you said that you would like to have your taxes raised but don’t trust that the government will spend the money wisely, congratulations you have something in common with the Tea Party. At least the distrust part. Marinate on that.

There’s a saying that nothing good ever happens after 2 a.m. I’d like to add to that and say that nothing nutritious is ever consumed after midnight.

I’m perilously close to understanding this Cloud thing that connects my Mac Book to my iPad. That must mean it’s easy to use.

The last Harry Potter flick was by far the best one in my opinion. I’m not a Harry Potter expert – I haven’t read any of the books – but this last one seemed to tie everything up nicely.

I’m also very excited to see The Hobbit. I remember reading that book as a kid and the feeling of despair I had when it was finished. I wanted more story. I didn’t want it to end. As a kid, I was a voracious reader. I can only imagine what I could have done had the Kindle been around in my youth.

I’m an unabashed geek; I’m not even trying to hide it. Here are my bullet points that indicate how geeky I am:

• I played Dungeons and Dragons and still would if I had the time and the right people to play with.
• In high school, I was in the model airplane club. We were often ridiculed by both the chess and cribbage clubs.
• I’ve been to multiple Star Trek conventions and even took a girlfriend to one. She was really into me, and somehow the convention was not the catalyst that ended the relationship. Or so I think.
• I play video games on a regular basis. Yes, I wear a headset with a microphone. Yes, I yell at 13-year-old kids when they shoot me in deathmatch games.
• I recorded every episode of the original Star Trek series on VHS, pausing to exclude the commercials. I did this in High School while other kids were getting laid.
• I stood in line for a Star Wars movie. Unfortunately, it was Jedi and not Empire.
• I became fascinated with UFO’s, Big Foot and every other unknown mystery as a kid. I loved watching In Search Of… .

Take two guesses what "Star Trek" and "In Search Of ..." have in common. And now do you see why hipsters brought back the lamb-chop sideburns? Pure energy!

• My latest venture into the world of geeks is Magic The Gathering. If you haven’t heard of it, it’s a card game that has monsters and spells. It’s a well thought out and deep game. Part luck, but very heavy on strategy and even can involve bluffing. There are actually professional poker players that started out playing this game. I’m not trying to make it less geeky, I’m just saying that it’s a lot of fun, and I’m getting more and more hooked on it.

Lastly, as part of the New Year many people make resolutions. Most won’t stick to them. I try not to resolve to do any one thing or not do any one thing. I try to resolve to be better. I often say, “Smart enough to know what’s wrong, but not smart enough to fix it.” Now, some people aren’t smart enough to know when they are screwing up. Not me; I’m pretty aware when I’m botching my life or being a dick. The question becomes what to do about it? My resolution this year is to ease up a bit. Stop trying to dictate everything and start letting go a little. I want to live a little better each day, let the people that I care about know that I care through my actions as well as my words. I’m going to try and walk that line between being a caring person and being a doormat. I’m not going to make a stink when a stink isn’t warranted but also speak up when I think an injustice has occurred. I’m going to have a good year, I can feel it. I hope everyone else feels that way. Because if you are pessimistic on Day One of the new year, then you’ve got some problems. Oh, and I also plan on writing more and trying to go deeper on the things that I write. Hopefully that comes through to you as you read them.