The Lightning Rant – The Christmas Edition

Tis’ the season, and all that crap. For my last lightning rant of 2011 I thought that I would write a column that would point out some ideal gifts that may or may not end up under the tree this year. It’s not an original idea but I thought maybe I could put a NTT twist on it. So here are some gifts that I’d love to see reach their intended recipients/targets.

Jerry Sandusky – A cell mate who follows the unwritten code of treatment of pedophiles in jail.

Joe Paterno, Brett Favre and Tiger Woods – A time machine programmed to send them back to 2006. Back then, America still adored these fallen idols.

Heidi Montag– A plastic surgery mulligan. It’s always a shame when pretty girls go under the knife needlessly. Look at early pictures of Pamela Anderson. That was a girl you’d want to marry. The Pam you see now is someone you take to a Red Roof Inn and then administer your penicillin shot during the car ride home.

If you think the version on the right is better, you are what's wrong with America.

Lucy Liu – A better agent. Seriously, is she on a milk carton somewhere?

The American People – A better government. The fact that we can’t decide how to adjust for a budget that exceeds tax revenue is deplorable. The best example I’ve read is comparing our country to a household where you take a lot of the zeros out of the numbers. If any of us spent the way the government did, we’d look like that episode of What’s Happening where Rerun got the credit card.

The US Post Office – An introduction to the Internet and a thing called e-mail. I don’t watch movies on VHS, I don’t listen to music on a Walkman, I don’t stop to use a pay-phone, and I don’t think about the Post Office except when I’m sending Christmas Cards. Broke is broke; cut it back to three days a week and abandon the pension plan. Don’t use my tax dollars to save a business that is too stubborn to admit when they are running something into the ground.

The Kardashians – A soul. Just one; they can share it. Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a bunch of sycophants who won’t tell you that you are deplorable. Here’s how you judge a person based on what you know about them: How far would they make it into a zombie movie before getting killed, and how would they die? If you think they’d live to the end, then they are a good person. If you think they would die but in a noble way like saving the group by holding off the hoard, then they are a good person. Here are my thoughts.
Kim – dies 40 minutes in and only lasts that long because the movie needs eye candy. She comes out of a pool or something and has wet clinging clothes. She is trying to seduce a secondary character in order to get the extra penicillin they found (you figure out why). She doesn’t realize that under the covers is really a Zombie who even in his insatiable lust for flesh can’t consume her entire ass.
Khloe – 15 minutes in, literally the first one to go. She separates from the group, and while she is standing at a urinal and relieving herself Zombie football players attack her from behind.
Kourtney – Is never actually in the movie but is assumed to have been a part of the production. Producers decided to digitally insert her into a group scene, and once focus groups reveal that they don’t care what happens to her, she’s never heard from again.
Kris Jenner – Never dies as she is revealed to have the amazing ability to suck the life out of the younger characters in the film. She forces them to humiliate themselves and profits off of their actions.
Bruce Jenner – Zombie #3 in the pool house scene.

Remember when you had to have talent to release an album?

Conservatives everywhere – A candidate they can get behind and stay behind. The Republican Party’s inability to find a likable candidate with a longer shelf life than 2% milk means that Obama will win a second term with unbelievably low approval numbers.

Liberals everywhere – Quicken books. The country is spending more than it brings in with tax revenue while half of Americans contribute nothing to the coffers. Spending our way out of this problem is analogous to drinking your way through a hangover. I’ve done that; trust me, you are trading today’s headache for tomorrow’s shits and shakes.

The Occupy movement – A united idea as to what they want. I’ve worked with people and dated people (not the same people) who have done what the occupy movement does. They complain about what I’m doing or not doing, and when I ask them to offer a specific recommendation as to what to do they can’t provide it. It’s like the guy who won’t tell you where to order dinner from but he shoots down every idea you throw out.

Everyone under 25 years old – An appreciation for your health, youth, energy and freedom. I looked long and hard and found none of these under my tree this morning.

Christina Aguilera – P90X. It’s not too late, you can turn this around.

Hacker group Anonymous – A girlfriend. Guys getting laid don’t have time to try and cripple the network of a video game company.

Extreme athletes – Something to live for. Dying while getting buried by an avalanche or trying to pull a back flip on a motorcycle doesn’t make you a legend. It makes you dead. It makes your wife a widow and your kids fatherless. Saying that a guy died while doing what he loved is rationalizing. People love doing drugs and nobody makes that statement when they overdose.

Arby’s – An entirely new menu. When was the last time you stepped into an Arby’s? The Big Montana is the most widely recognized fast food that nobody is eating. Perhaps Arby’s can give Long John Silver’s a call and see how things are going for them. Naugles and Pup n Taco aren’t picking up the phone, so they can’t reach them.

Netflix – Collective amnesia by America. If you are going to try and screw millions of people over because they can’t live without your service, you better be damn sure that you are right about that. And just because you are a CEO it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have somebody read your communications before they go out to your entire customer base. That arrogance came through loud and clear in your e-mail.

American men – The realization that beer commercials and Axe body spray ads are not reality. Those chicks are never going to be into you.

American women– The realization that men aren’t going to change. When you say a guy “has potential” you really mean that you want to change him. A few failed attempts to change men will make you bitter. If he’s not good right now he’s not going to get better. Just like you aren’t going to get thinner once you’re in a stable relationship.

It's been a good ride, Sony, but it's time for the New Hotness.

Sony – The PlayStation 4. Sony has a superior gaming platform and has made great strides grabbing market share but still trails the Microsoft Empire. Beating them to the punch by launching the first of the next great generation of gaming systems will go a long way to putting Sony where they belong … in first place.

NFL players – Some straight talk. You are in the same position that smokers were about 30 years ago. You can’t tell me you didn’t know that concussions would be so bad for you. When these guys keep picking up phones that aren’t ringing and looking for a payday I have to throw a yellow flag. Upon further review the ruling in the lightning rant stands.

The Biggest Loser – Jillian Michaels. I don’t know if it was her or the show that decided to part ways but it just isn’t the same without her.

Steve J – For myself I hope to have a less anger-fueled year. I would like to stop and enjoy the scenery and spend more time doing things that are fun instead of practical.

Ninja Think Tank – Some readers. Writing is therapeutic and all that but it sure would be fun to get some comments. Otherwise I’ll just assume I’m brilliant and you all just feel the same.

Merry Christmas.